Instead of treating sex as a mutual trade of pleasure, he placed his own needs before my friend’s and cared very little for her enjoyment. Unfortunately, to no surprise, her hookup had not offered any form of oral sex but still expected her to pleasure him orally. I resisted my initial cynicism until my friend had her own hookup with a straight man within the following weeks. I came to the conclusion that men don’t prioritize the sexual pleasure of their partners, but rather, their focus is largely centered on their own sexual gratification. While I don’t necessarily expect to orgasm each time I have sex, none of my partners, while limited in number, have ever made me reach a climax or offered oral sex, despite me doing both for them. Only after hooking up with another person did I realize that my attempts to pleasure my sexual partners were not going to be reciprocated. I figured, and I still figure, perhaps naively, that it was due to his inexperience. Also, I had to ask my hookup if he wanted to give me oral sex in return, and while he agreed, I was left wondering why he didn’t offer before. But I do recognize that I put in a large amount of effort in pleasuring my sex partner, particularly with oral sex and the various positions I attempted.
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However, this is not to say that I blamed my hookup for my dissatisfaction rather, I understood that we were both inexperienced and bound to not fully understand how to pleasure each other. I became a power bottom, which was not the role I had originally envisioned for myself.
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In a way, while I enjoyed the exploration of myself and another person, I was also somewhat unsatisfied with the lack of experience, or perhaps lack of leadership in the bedroom. But, I was also left with a sense of disappointment. To my surprise, I became the dominant one in that I led the course of our sexual activities. When the time finally came to have sex, I learned that my partner was also a virgin, which provided me some relief and calmed my nerves. So, the morning of my appointment, I shaved my ass while I took a shower and trimmed my pubic hairs to make myself presentable. However, I was still aware of the expectations of many people, and I had done a little research on giving oral and bottoming the night before to make sure not to embarrass myself.
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I had never done anything sexual or romantic before, so I was extremely nervous. the following day, and I woke up early to prepare my room and my body. Because of this desire, I messaged this mystery man, who I correctly assumed to be another student, asking for a hookup and a picture of himself. Normally, I avoid people on dating apps if they don’t have any pictures for safety reasons, but in this particular moment, I wanted to lose my virginity based on unhealthy parameters I had set for myself. The day before, I went against my typical behavior and messaged a blank profile on Grindr. I lost my virginity a couple of weeks before my 19th birthday.